I miss you

Yesterday my wife got an SMS from her mother saying, "I miss you." 
So my wife calls her mother to talk some.

MIL: What do you want? 
Wife: I saw your SMS, so I thought maybe we could talk some. 
MIL: I'm busy watching TV now, so I don't really want to talk to you. Bye! 
*click 

(note: when she lived with us, she literally watched 14 hours of tv a day, she said back in China she only watches about 6-7 hours of tv a day)

Crazy talk

(how could you not love a stud muffin like this?)

MIL: "You know, I thought I would be excited about the birth of my only grandchild, but I'm not.  I don't feel anything because you guys won't take my advice.  You won't even  let me tie his hands and feet together."

MIL finally cleans her hands

Since my MIL moved in, my wife and I noticed that she never washed her hands.  

MIL just finished taking a loud, smelly dump, didn't wash her hands and went to pick up my newborn son.

Wife: "Mom, can you wash your hands before you hold him? You just used the toilet."
MIL: "No."
Wife: "Will you at least use some hand sanitizer?"
MIL: "Fine" (MIL theatrically unscrewed the top of the hand sanitizer bottle and dumped the entire bottle on her hands and all over the floor, and then rubbed the handfuls of sanitizer under her armpits.)
MIL: "Happy? " (MIL stomped away and slammed her bedroom door shut)

At the hospital

MIL: "Now that you have given birth, you can't eat any vegetables."
Wife: "Mom, the doctor told me it is OK to eat vegetables, and that they are good for me."
MIL: "Oh and now you are trusting doctors over your own mother?   IDIOT!"

The truth comes out

As my MIL was at the airport about to leave, she told my wife  "You know why I'm so mad and leaving early?  Because you won't do to what I tell you to do.  I have lost my control over you and that makes me FURIOUS!"

How to clean baby bottles

Just after I finished mopping up a mess around the changing table (I didn't know newborns were capable of spraying their feces over 2 meters) MIL takes the mop and the baby bottles and heads to the kitchen and starts to use the mob to clean the baby bottles.

Wife: "Mom, you're not going to use that mop to clean the baby bottles are you?"

MIL: "Sure, why not, mops are for cleaning." 

Wife:  "The mop is super dirty, you can't use it for cleaning the baby bottles."

MIL: "You don't know anything.  Mops are fine for cleaning bottles." 

Dante has arrived!

My son Dante, born Oct 11.

(Chinese name: Shao Long)   

I told you to tie up the baby!

MIL and wife are at the mall:

MIL: "You see that kid there, you see how he wants candy and he wants the toy, and he always wants something?  That's because his parents didn't tie his hands and feet together when he was a baby. Now will you listen to me and tie up your baby's hands and feet for the first month after he is born?"
Wife: "No mom, we are not tying our baby's hands and feet together."
MIL: "You #$%@#$% idiot!  Don't you  see the proof right there in front of you?  How could you be so stupid?"

Fight the kids

MIL: "When I marry a rich guy, I'm looking forward to fighting his children."
Wife:  " Fighting his children?"
MIL: "Yeah, you always have to fight the kids for the money."

MIL's mustache

Wife: "Mom, you might want to think about doing something about your lip hair, it is getting quite black and bushy." 
MIL: "Yeah, well you look and short, fat, hairy and UGLY and you skin looks old, yellow and GROSS!!!

*MIL storms out and slams the door.  

ice-cream has gone bad

MIL: "This ice-cream doesn't taste so great because you idiots left it in the refrigerator and it spoiled."
Wife: "Mom, that's not ice-cream, that's a tub of margarine."
MIL: "Why did you morons put your margarine in a tub of ice-cream?"


(note: on the lid of the tub of margarine it even says "margarine"  in Chinese)

Breaking up

MIL: "When I get back to China, I think I'm going to break up with my boyfriend because he refuses to leave his wife and kids for me."

How to look young forever.

MIL: "You should never laugh or smile or else when you are older, your face will be super wrinkly.   It is my secret to why I look so young."

The perfect man

Wife: "Mom, what do you look for in a man?"
MIL: "Just two things, 1- he must be rich. 2- he must always obey me."

The cure-all

MIL: "I don't feel good, go get me a glass of salt water."
Wife: "What are you going to do with the salt water?"
MIL: "Drink it of course."
Wife: "Why?"
MIL: "Last time I was in the hospital, the doctor gave me an saline IV drip.  I looked it up and saline is salt water.  So now I drink salt water anytime I'm sick."

Whose got big balls?

MIL: "You know your cousin who is always depressed?  She had a baby last year.  Her baby's balls are HUUUUGE!  Women who are depressed when they are pregnant will always have babies with gigantic balls."
Wife: " Sadness makes balls bigger?" 
MIL: "Of course" 
Wife: "So since I'm happy all the time, my son will be born with tiny balls?"
MIL: "Obviously!" 

warning: explicit content

MIL talking to my wife:  "You put too much sauce on the eggplant you son of a bitch*!"


*in China the profanity she used is actually much worse than "son of a bitch" ; basically to put it in a less offensive way, she said "daughter of a mother who has relations with dogs" 

Mr-T

MIL picks up my Mr-T Bobble-head doll

MIL:  "I like your statue of Zhang Fei."
Wife: "That's Mr-T."
MIL: "Nonsense! That's Zhang Fei!!"

Lost

Wife: "Did you like that season of Lost?"
MIL: "Yeah, good ending."
Wife: "That wasn't the end, there are still 2 more seasons."
MIL: "Nope, that is the end I'm sure of it. There are only 4 seasons and there can't be anymore after that ending; the boat blew up and Ben died when the island moved-THE END."
Wife: "No, look, here are seasons 5 and 6 right here in my hand."
MIL: "Those can't be real.  The story is obviously over.  Those DVDs in your hand must be fake."

Bad FIL

(A condensed version of a conversation my wife and I had recently)

Me: "I can't believe how hurtful your mom is all the time."
Wife: "Yeah, well at least she never threatened to kill me like my dad did."
Me: "Huh?"
Wife: "Dad cheated on mom and when she said she was going to leave him, he grabbed me and ran out to the highway and held me close to the speeding traffic and started screaming that if mom left him, he would throw me in front of a bus.  Then he acted like he was demon-possessed and blamed all his bad actions on the demons inside of him.  Mom's friends called an exorcist and after a few minutes into the exorcism, dad pretended like the demons came out of him and said he didn't remember anything.  He was acting just like people do in cheesy Chinese ghost movies though, so it was easy to see he was faking the possession."
Me: "Holy cow!" 
Wife: "Yeah, then later after the exorcism, when mom said she was still going to divorce him, he grabbed a bottle of rat poison and started acting like he was going to drink it if she divorced him."
Me: "To bad he was bluffing"
Wife: "Then another time my mom said she wanted a divorce and he grabbed a knife and threatened to kill himself in front of me.  Mom told him he didn't have the guts to do it, so he put his hand on the table and cut one of his fingers off.   He freaked out and started screaming for us to take him to the hospital.  There was a lot of blood.  It was a bit traumatizing."
Me: .......

Pizza sucks

"Gross, ewww,  I want to throw up!  This is more disgusting than a hamburger!  How can you eat this horrible garbage!?"


MIL tried a piece of pizza for the first time in her life.

your husband sucks

MIL: "I don't like your husband. He is no good at all and not good for you either!"
Wife: "Why?"
MIL: "Why?  He still hasn't bought me a house yet!"

your ugly skin

MIL: "Your skin looks so old and wrinkled.  You look much older than me.  When we go outside, everyone  thinks that you're my older sister."
Wife:  "Mom, that isn't a nice thing to say."
MIL: "Yeah, well its true, I can't help that I look so much better than you do."

mystery boyfriend

MIL: "When I get back to China, I have another boyfriend waiting for me, I'm going to move in with him when I get back."
Wife: "Where did you meet him?"
MIL: "I never met him,  I just got a random SMS from a guy in Tibet and we started talking by SMS and now we are a couple.  He wants to move in with me now. He says he is really rich."
Wife: "You can't trust a guy you never met before.  You don't know if anything he says is really true."
MIL: "Oh don't be an idiot! You're just jealous that I look younger and sexier than you. Plus he sent me a pic, so he can't be lying."

Whats yours is mine

Wife:  "Auntie said that all the family members chipped in and raised $1,000 US that they gave to you to give to us for the baby."
MIL:  "Yeah, they did. I spent it all shopping in China; I needed some new things. Oh and you owe me $100 because after I spent your $1000, I gave $100 of my own money to one of my friends as a gift, but I meant to give them your money instead but I didn't realize I had spent it all, so you have to give me $100 to cover that to."
 
     

the quick way to wash your hair

Wife: "Mom, when was the last time you washed your hair.  It looks super oily."
MIL: "I just washed it this morning."
Wife: "Did you use shampoo?"
MIL: "No, I just rubbed a bunch of that conditioner stuff in my hair"
Wife: "Did you use any water?"
MIL: "No, why would I do that?"

Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc

A couple ants found their way to our grapes and my wife washed them off and ate one of the grapes. 

MIL: "Don't do that.  If you accidentally eat an ant, it will make a home in your stomach and will eat you from the inside out.  I'll lay eggs and soon you'll die."

Wife: "If an ant made it to my stomach alive, I'm sure the stomach acid would kill it before it could make a home. Plus only queen ants lay eggs."

MIL: "I can't believe I have to explain this to you.  Worms live in the ground and worms can go in your stomach, make more worms and make their home in your body.  Ants live in the ground as well, so it means ants can do the same thing as worms." 

The germ myth

MIL is handling some old, raw beef and chicken, puts it in the sink and then starts touching the food we are about to eat.
Wife: "Mom, you need to wash your hands after touching all that raw meat, especially before you touch the cooked food we are about to eat."
MIL: "What?  Why?"
Wife: "Germs, bacteria, salmonella."
MIL: "Don't tell me you believe those myths, that is all just made up so you'll buy soap."

No veggies for you!

MIL: "After you have your baby you can't eat anything with pepper, or chilli, you can't eat any vegetable and you can't eat rice porridge for at least a month."
Wife: "Why?"
MIL: "Why do you always ask why? Just trust me.  But for your information, if you eat any of those things within one month of giving birth, anytime you eat those things afterwards they will make you sick and give you an allergic reaction and you won't be able to breath."

MIL: "That medicine you gave me made me sick."
Wife: "Mom, that was just a vitamin C."
MIL: "VITAMIN C!? That stuff will give you arthritis!"
 

Tie the baby's feet together

"Buy that rope there, so later when the baby is born you can tie his feet together.  The baby's feet need to be tied together for the first month after he is born.  If you don't, he will grow up bow-legged."

MIL pushes the doorbell several times- "Your light-switch is broken."

MIL defies the laws of physics

MIL: "Its weird how you always see the lighting first and then you hear the thunder later.  I wonder why that is?"
Wife: "Light travels faster than sound."
MIL: "No way, not possible, you don't know what you're talking about."
Wife: "Why is it not possible?"
MIL: "You always say that you can hear me way before you see me."
Me: "You're mom has a point"
MIL: "Of course I do, I'm not an idiot like you."

Tie up the baby

MIL: "After the baby is born, for the first month you must always keep his hands tied together. 
Wife: Why? 
MIL: "So the baby doesn't try to grab everything...OBVIOUSLY." 

How to avoid a sore neck

"Pat the back of your pillow three times to avoid waking up with a sore neck."

How to have an silver baby.

"Don't eat the skin of the fish when you are pregnant.  If you do, your baby will be born with the same skin color as the fish that you ate."

Terrifying Creatures

MIL:  "Those creatures are terrifying.  The ones that make noise are the ones that love to attack humans.  We are all in serious danger. We need to leave now!"
Me:  "Geckos are harmless."
MIL:  "Only the quiet ones are harmless, those ones making noise are very dangerous. They have big teeth and strong jaws!"
Me:  "If you get attacked by a gecko here in Cambodia, I'll give you $100 for each one that attacks you."


*She is no longer scared of geckos, now she watches them almost like she is hoping they will all jump her.

**update 9/16/13 -  She has reverted to being scared of geckos.  Nothing we can say or do convinces her that they're not planning their attack on her.

That is why you are stupid

Mother-in-law talking to my wife:  "Since you've been pregnant, how many times have you fallen down on your stomach?  None?  Wow! When I was pregnant with you, I fell down a lot...that is probably part of the reason why you are so stupid." 

Ouch

Mother-in-law talking to my wife,  "Your husband met you and your best friend at the same time, right?  I really don't understand why he picked you."   

The moon will make your ears bleed!

"Don't point at the moon if it isn't a full moon.  If you do, the moon will make your ears bleed when you are sleeping."

If you are choking...(the new heimlich?)

"If you have a fish bone or something else stuck in your throat, put a rice bowl on your head and hit the bowl with chopsticks until it comes out."

How to look like a freak

"Don't touch cold water too much.  If you do, your hands and feet will grow bigger and bigger until you look like a freak."

Scream at the ghosts

"After you wake up from a nightmare, it is important that you scream very loudly so you scare away the ghosts."

How to rise from the grave

"Don't shower every day! If you do, your body will absorb too much water from the shower and then when you die and are in your grave, all the water in your body will come out and  your corpse will float to the surface."

Wife: "Mom, would you like to try reading a book? "

Mother-in-law: "NO!"   *stomps out of the room in a fluster. 

"I don't like it when you talk.  It is tiring and boring."

Avoiding epilepsy

(My wife took a bite of a plum and then I took a bite of the same plum and MIL freaked out)

"NOO! DON'T YOU KNOW?! That's how you get EPILEPSY!!!"

the rules of marriage

"Before marriage, there are no real rules, but after marriage the only rule is that the wife's duty is to do whatever she wants and the husband's only responsibility is to make sure his wife can do whatever she wants."

Wife: "Mom, you really need to control your temper, almost everything makes you mad." 

MIL: (screams) "I DON'T HAVE A TEMPER!!!!!" 

"You are not a good husband to my daughter.  If you were, you would come home from work then cook dinner and then clean the house. You're obviously not a very caring husband."

A short conversation between my wife and her mother,
Mother-in-law: "I don't have any friends"
My Wife: "Mom, you know if you were nicer to people, and didn't say such mean things all the time, you might have some friends."
*mother gives a cold, silent stare for about 4 seconds   "SHUT...UP!!"

How to avoid getting germs in your underwear

"When you hang your underwear up to dry, always hang them upside down and inside out so that no germs can get inside." 

"Why do you always say 'please and thank you'?  you don't have to be nice or polite to family.  I'll teach your child to never say that. "

How to avoid a smelly fridge

"No! Never put water in the refrigerator or freezer!  Idiot!  Don't you know water turns bad and rots in the fridge?  It will make everything stink!" 

"After you have your baby you can not watch any TV for one month.  If you do, you will go blind."

"You have gotten uglier since the last time I saw you.  You used to be good looking. What happened?"

"You must always do everything exactly as I say. I will tell you what to do with your baby, and how to treat him, and you MUST always obey me. You may think you know, but you don't, I always know better."  

My mother-in-law (previous quotes)

 "What do you mean send a message with my phone? My phone only has numbers!"

 (talking to my pregnant wife) "After you give birth, make sure you don't eat any squash or pumpkin for one month, or else your stomach will remain huge forever, and you'll look pregnant for the rest of your life!"

"Diapers? You don't need diapers for your baby! When you want the baby to pee you just hold it naked over the ground and put some urine in his mouth. When he tastes the urine, he'll pee right away and you don't have to worry about diapers."

"Don't drink so much water, it will make you fat!"

"NO! STOP! Don't drink cold water with your meal! Didn't you realize that will destroy your stomach!"


I came home at lunch today to find my mother-in-law wearing my wife's clothes (imagine Winnie-the-pooh wearing Piglets cloths). Oh, the humanity.

Mother-in-law Quote: "You will never be able to open that bathroom door again. The lock on that door is special. There is no key in the world that can unlock that door. They make the locks so it isn't possible to unlock it. You have to break down your bathroom door and buy a new one." 

*I borrow the key from the landlord and unlock the door* 

MIL: "Oh, that lock is broken, usually once they're locked, they're locked forever."

(talking to my wife): "After you have the baby, for one month you can not go outside, use a fan, or use air conditioning, or even stand in front of the window. If you do, you will have a migraine headaches, constantly, until the day you die."

(At Central Market, Phnom Penh, Cambodia: Mother-in-law, "How do you know this tuk tuk** driver won't kidnap us and sell us into slavery? I can't believe you are trusting this guy to drive us around, you are just too simple minded."

*This is Central Market 

*this is a tuk tuk