Dante has arrived!

My son Dante, born Oct 11.

(Chinese name: Shao Long)   

I told you to tie up the baby!

MIL and wife are at the mall:

MIL: "You see that kid there, you see how he wants candy and he wants the toy, and he always wants something?  That's because his parents didn't tie his hands and feet together when he was a baby. Now will you listen to me and tie up your baby's hands and feet for the first month after he is born?"
Wife: "No mom, we are not tying our baby's hands and feet together."
MIL: "You #$%@#$% idiot!  Don't you  see the proof right there in front of you?  How could you be so stupid?"

Fight the kids

MIL: "When I marry a rich guy, I'm looking forward to fighting his children."
Wife:  " Fighting his children?"
MIL: "Yeah, you always have to fight the kids for the money."

MIL's mustache

Wife: "Mom, you might want to think about doing something about your lip hair, it is getting quite black and bushy." 
MIL: "Yeah, well you look and short, fat, hairy and UGLY and you skin looks old, yellow and GROSS!!!

*MIL storms out and slams the door.  

ice-cream has gone bad

MIL: "This ice-cream doesn't taste so great because you idiots left it in the refrigerator and it spoiled."
Wife: "Mom, that's not ice-cream, that's a tub of margarine."
MIL: "Why did you morons put your margarine in a tub of ice-cream?"


(note: on the lid of the tub of margarine it even says "margarine"  in Chinese)

Breaking up

MIL: "When I get back to China, I think I'm going to break up with my boyfriend because he refuses to leave his wife and kids for me."

How to look young forever.

MIL: "You should never laugh or smile or else when you are older, your face will be super wrinkly.   It is my secret to why I look so young."