Venomous from afar

Recently my wife posted these pictures of herself and our son on her Chinese social media page.
 Within the hour, her mother commented: "You have so many wrinkles around your eyes, you look older than me! You look old enough to be my older sister."
 To which my wife commented, "My mother is so nice".
 And her mom's reply, "I'm the only one here who is not too much of a pussy to tell you the truth."

I miss you

Yesterday my wife got an SMS from her mother saying, "I miss you." 
So my wife calls her mother to talk some.

MIL: What do you want? 
Wife: I saw your SMS, so I thought maybe we could talk some. 
MIL: I'm busy watching TV now, so I don't really want to talk to you. Bye! 
*click 

(note: when she lived with us, she literally watched 14 hours of tv a day, she said back in China she only watches about 6-7 hours of tv a day)

Crazy talk

(how could you not love a stud muffin like this?)

MIL: "You know, I thought I would be excited about the birth of my only grandchild, but I'm not.  I don't feel anything because you guys won't take my advice.  You won't even  let me tie his hands and feet together."

MIL finally cleans her hands

Since my MIL moved in, my wife and I noticed that she never washed her hands.  

MIL just finished taking a loud, smelly dump, didn't wash her hands and went to pick up my newborn son.

Wife: "Mom, can you wash your hands before you hold him? You just used the toilet."
MIL: "No."
Wife: "Will you at least use some hand sanitizer?"
MIL: "Fine" (MIL theatrically unscrewed the top of the hand sanitizer bottle and dumped the entire bottle on her hands and all over the floor, and then rubbed the handfuls of sanitizer under her armpits.)
MIL: "Happy? " (MIL stomped away and slammed her bedroom door shut)

At the hospital

MIL: "Now that you have given birth, you can't eat any vegetables."
Wife: "Mom, the doctor told me it is OK to eat vegetables, and that they are good for me."
MIL: "Oh and now you are trusting doctors over your own mother?   IDIOT!"

The truth comes out

As my MIL was at the airport about to leave, she told my wife  "You know why I'm so mad and leaving early?  Because you won't do to what I tell you to do.  I have lost my control over you and that makes me FURIOUS!"

How to clean baby bottles

Just after I finished mopping up a mess around the changing table (I didn't know newborns were capable of spraying their feces over 2 meters) MIL takes the mop and the baby bottles and heads to the kitchen and starts to use the mob to clean the baby bottles.

Wife: "Mom, you're not going to use that mop to clean the baby bottles are you?"

MIL: "Sure, why not, mops are for cleaning." 

Wife:  "The mop is super dirty, you can't use it for cleaning the baby bottles."

MIL: "You don't know anything.  Mops are fine for cleaning bottles." 

Dante has arrived!

My son Dante, born Oct 11.

(Chinese name: Shao Long)   

I told you to tie up the baby!

MIL and wife are at the mall:

MIL: "You see that kid there, you see how he wants candy and he wants the toy, and he always wants something?  That's because his parents didn't tie his hands and feet together when he was a baby. Now will you listen to me and tie up your baby's hands and feet for the first month after he is born?"
Wife: "No mom, we are not tying our baby's hands and feet together."
MIL: "You #$%@#$% idiot!  Don't you  see the proof right there in front of you?  How could you be so stupid?"

Fight the kids

MIL: "When I marry a rich guy, I'm looking forward to fighting his children."
Wife:  " Fighting his children?"
MIL: "Yeah, you always have to fight the kids for the money."

MIL's mustache

Wife: "Mom, you might want to think about doing something about your lip hair, it is getting quite black and bushy." 
MIL: "Yeah, well you look and short, fat, hairy and UGLY and you skin looks old, yellow and GROSS!!!

*MIL storms out and slams the door.  

ice-cream has gone bad

MIL: "This ice-cream doesn't taste so great because you idiots left it in the refrigerator and it spoiled."
Wife: "Mom, that's not ice-cream, that's a tub of margarine."
MIL: "Why did you morons put your margarine in a tub of ice-cream?"


(note: on the lid of the tub of margarine it even says "margarine"  in Chinese)

Breaking up

MIL: "When I get back to China, I think I'm going to break up with my boyfriend because he refuses to leave his wife and kids for me."

How to look young forever.

MIL: "You should never laugh or smile or else when you are older, your face will be super wrinkly.   It is my secret to why I look so young."

The perfect man

Wife: "Mom, what do you look for in a man?"
MIL: "Just two things, 1- he must be rich. 2- he must always obey me."

The cure-all

MIL: "I don't feel good, go get me a glass of salt water."
Wife: "What are you going to do with the salt water?"
MIL: "Drink it of course."
Wife: "Why?"
MIL: "Last time I was in the hospital, the doctor gave me an saline IV drip.  I looked it up and saline is salt water.  So now I drink salt water anytime I'm sick."

Whose got big balls?

MIL: "You know your cousin who is always depressed?  She had a baby last year.  Her baby's balls are HUUUUGE!  Women who are depressed when they are pregnant will always have babies with gigantic balls."
Wife: " Sadness makes balls bigger?" 
MIL: "Of course" 
Wife: "So since I'm happy all the time, my son will be born with tiny balls?"
MIL: "Obviously!" 

warning: explicit content

MIL talking to my wife:  "You put too much sauce on the eggplant you son of a bitch*!"


*in China the profanity she used is actually much worse than "son of a bitch" ; basically to put it in a less offensive way, she said "daughter of a mother who has relations with dogs" 

Mr-T

MIL picks up my Mr-T Bobble-head doll

MIL:  "I like your statue of Zhang Fei."
Wife: "That's Mr-T."
MIL: "Nonsense! That's Zhang Fei!!"

Lost

Wife: "Did you like that season of Lost?"
MIL: "Yeah, good ending."
Wife: "That wasn't the end, there are still 2 more seasons."
MIL: "Nope, that is the end I'm sure of it. There are only 4 seasons and there can't be anymore after that ending; the boat blew up and Ben died when the island moved-THE END."
Wife: "No, look, here are seasons 5 and 6 right here in my hand."
MIL: "Those can't be real.  The story is obviously over.  Those DVDs in your hand must be fake."