At the hospital

MIL: "Now that you have given birth, you can't eat any vegetables."
Wife: "Mom, the doctor told me it is OK to eat vegetables, and that they are good for me."
MIL: "Oh and now you are trusting doctors over your own mother?   IDIOT!"

The truth comes out

As my MIL was at the airport about to leave, she told my wife  "You know why I'm so mad and leaving early?  Because you won't do to what I tell you to do.  I have lost my control over you and that makes me FURIOUS!"

How to clean baby bottles

Just after I finished mopping up a mess around the changing table (I didn't know newborns were capable of spraying their feces over 2 meters) MIL takes the mop and the baby bottles and heads to the kitchen and starts to use the mob to clean the baby bottles.

Wife: "Mom, you're not going to use that mop to clean the baby bottles are you?"

MIL: "Sure, why not, mops are for cleaning." 

Wife:  "The mop is super dirty, you can't use it for cleaning the baby bottles."

MIL: "You don't know anything.  Mops are fine for cleaning bottles." 

Dante has arrived!

My son Dante, born Oct 11.

(Chinese name: Shao Long)   

I told you to tie up the baby!

MIL and wife are at the mall:

MIL: "You see that kid there, you see how he wants candy and he wants the toy, and he always wants something?  That's because his parents didn't tie his hands and feet together when he was a baby. Now will you listen to me and tie up your baby's hands and feet for the first month after he is born?"
Wife: "No mom, we are not tying our baby's hands and feet together."
MIL: "You #$%@#$% idiot!  Don't you  see the proof right there in front of you?  How could you be so stupid?"

Fight the kids

MIL: "When I marry a rich guy, I'm looking forward to fighting his children."
Wife:  " Fighting his children?"
MIL: "Yeah, you always have to fight the kids for the money."

MIL's mustache

Wife: "Mom, you might want to think about doing something about your lip hair, it is getting quite black and bushy." 
MIL: "Yeah, well you look and short, fat, hairy and UGLY and you skin looks old, yellow and GROSS!!!

*MIL storms out and slams the door.  

ice-cream has gone bad

MIL: "This ice-cream doesn't taste so great because you idiots left it in the refrigerator and it spoiled."
Wife: "Mom, that's not ice-cream, that's a tub of margarine."
MIL: "Why did you morons put your margarine in a tub of ice-cream?"


(note: on the lid of the tub of margarine it even says "margarine"  in Chinese)

Breaking up

MIL: "When I get back to China, I think I'm going to break up with my boyfriend because he refuses to leave his wife and kids for me."