The moon will make your ears bleed!

"Don't point at the moon if it isn't a full moon.  If you do, the moon will make your ears bleed when you are sleeping."

If you are choking...(the new heimlich?)

"If you have a fish bone or something else stuck in your throat, put a rice bowl on your head and hit the bowl with chopsticks until it comes out."

How to look like a freak

"Don't touch cold water too much.  If you do, your hands and feet will grow bigger and bigger until you look like a freak."

Scream at the ghosts

"After you wake up from a nightmare, it is important that you scream very loudly so you scare away the ghosts."

How to rise from the grave

"Don't shower every day! If you do, your body will absorb too much water from the shower and then when you die and are in your grave, all the water in your body will come out and  your corpse will float to the surface."

Wife: "Mom, would you like to try reading a book? "

Mother-in-law: "NO!"   *stomps out of the room in a fluster. 

"I don't like it when you talk.  It is tiring and boring."

Avoiding epilepsy

(My wife took a bite of a plum and then I took a bite of the same plum and MIL freaked out)

"NOO! DON'T YOU KNOW?! That's how you get EPILEPSY!!!"

the rules of marriage

"Before marriage, there are no real rules, but after marriage the only rule is that the wife's duty is to do whatever she wants and the husband's only responsibility is to make sure his wife can do whatever she wants."

Wife: "Mom, you really need to control your temper, almost everything makes you mad." 

MIL: (screams) "I DON'T HAVE A TEMPER!!!!!" 

"You are not a good husband to my daughter.  If you were, you would come home from work then cook dinner and then clean the house. You're obviously not a very caring husband."

A short conversation between my wife and her mother,
Mother-in-law: "I don't have any friends"
My Wife: "Mom, you know if you were nicer to people, and didn't say such mean things all the time, you might have some friends."
*mother gives a cold, silent stare for about 4 seconds   "SHUT...UP!!"

How to avoid getting germs in your underwear

"When you hang your underwear up to dry, always hang them upside down and inside out so that no germs can get inside." 

"Why do you always say 'please and thank you'?  you don't have to be nice or polite to family.  I'll teach your child to never say that. "

How to avoid a smelly fridge

"No! Never put water in the refrigerator or freezer!  Idiot!  Don't you know water turns bad and rots in the fridge?  It will make everything stink!" 

"After you have your baby you can not watch any TV for one month.  If you do, you will go blind."

"You have gotten uglier since the last time I saw you.  You used to be good looking. What happened?"

"You must always do everything exactly as I say. I will tell you what to do with your baby, and how to treat him, and you MUST always obey me. You may think you know, but you don't, I always know better."  

My mother-in-law (previous quotes)

 "What do you mean send a message with my phone? My phone only has numbers!"

 (talking to my pregnant wife) "After you give birth, make sure you don't eat any squash or pumpkin for one month, or else your stomach will remain huge forever, and you'll look pregnant for the rest of your life!"

"Diapers? You don't need diapers for your baby! When you want the baby to pee you just hold it naked over the ground and put some urine in his mouth. When he tastes the urine, he'll pee right away and you don't have to worry about diapers."

"Don't drink so much water, it will make you fat!"

"NO! STOP! Don't drink cold water with your meal! Didn't you realize that will destroy your stomach!"


I came home at lunch today to find my mother-in-law wearing my wife's clothes (imagine Winnie-the-pooh wearing Piglets cloths). Oh, the humanity.

Mother-in-law Quote: "You will never be able to open that bathroom door again. The lock on that door is special. There is no key in the world that can unlock that door. They make the locks so it isn't possible to unlock it. You have to break down your bathroom door and buy a new one." 

*I borrow the key from the landlord and unlock the door* 

MIL: "Oh, that lock is broken, usually once they're locked, they're locked forever."

(talking to my wife): "After you have the baby, for one month you can not go outside, use a fan, or use air conditioning, or even stand in front of the window. If you do, you will have a migraine headaches, constantly, until the day you die."

(At Central Market, Phnom Penh, Cambodia: Mother-in-law, "How do you know this tuk tuk** driver won't kidnap us and sell us into slavery? I can't believe you are trusting this guy to drive us around, you are just too simple minded."

*This is Central Market 

*this is a tuk tuk