Venomous from afar

Recently my wife posted these pictures of herself and our son on her Chinese social media page.
 Within the hour, her mother commented: "You have so many wrinkles around your eyes, you look older than me! You look old enough to be my older sister."
 To which my wife commented, "My mother is so nice".
 And her mom's reply, "I'm the only one here who is not too much of a pussy to tell you the truth."

I miss you

Yesterday my wife got an SMS from her mother saying, "I miss you." 
So my wife calls her mother to talk some.

MIL: What do you want? 
Wife: I saw your SMS, so I thought maybe we could talk some. 
MIL: I'm busy watching TV now, so I don't really want to talk to you. Bye! 
*click 

(note: when she lived with us, she literally watched 14 hours of tv a day, she said back in China she only watches about 6-7 hours of tv a day)

Crazy talk

(how could you not love a stud muffin like this?)

MIL: "You know, I thought I would be excited about the birth of my only grandchild, but I'm not.  I don't feel anything because you guys won't take my advice.  You won't even  let me tie his hands and feet together."

MIL finally cleans her hands

Since my MIL moved in, my wife and I noticed that she never washed her hands.  

MIL just finished taking a loud, smelly dump, didn't wash her hands and went to pick up my newborn son.

Wife: "Mom, can you wash your hands before you hold him? You just used the toilet."
MIL: "No."
Wife: "Will you at least use some hand sanitizer?"
MIL: "Fine" (MIL theatrically unscrewed the top of the hand sanitizer bottle and dumped the entire bottle on her hands and all over the floor, and then rubbed the handfuls of sanitizer under her armpits.)
MIL: "Happy? " (MIL stomped away and slammed her bedroom door shut)

At the hospital

MIL: "Now that you have given birth, you can't eat any vegetables."
Wife: "Mom, the doctor told me it is OK to eat vegetables, and that they are good for me."
MIL: "Oh and now you are trusting doctors over your own mother?   IDIOT!"

The truth comes out

As my MIL was at the airport about to leave, she told my wife  "You know why I'm so mad and leaving early?  Because you won't do to what I tell you to do.  I have lost my control over you and that makes me FURIOUS!"

How to clean baby bottles

Just after I finished mopping up a mess around the changing table (I didn't know newborns were capable of spraying their feces over 2 meters) MIL takes the mop and the baby bottles and heads to the kitchen and starts to use the mob to clean the baby bottles.

Wife: "Mom, you're not going to use that mop to clean the baby bottles are you?"

MIL: "Sure, why not, mops are for cleaning." 

Wife:  "The mop is super dirty, you can't use it for cleaning the baby bottles."

MIL: "You don't know anything.  Mops are fine for cleaning bottles."